The Tale of Two LinkedIns
There’s the story that my LinkedIn tells. Then there’s another story.
Here’s the story that my LinkedIn tells:
2012 — Graduate high school as valedictorian, attend UC Berkeley
2013 — Internship at DLA Piper
2014 — Internship at The White House (age 19); internship at DLA Piper
2014 — Accepted into NYU Law as an early admit (age 20)
2015 — Graduate Berkeley with above 4.0 weighted GPA in Economics (3 years total in undergrad), begin NYU Law
2016 — Accepted into Harvard Law School as a transfer, matriculate
2017 — Land my #1 job choice in Biglaw at top Bay Area firm Wilson Sonsini
2018 — Graduate Harvard Law School
2018–2021 — Work at Wilson Sonsini
2021 — Onto other ventures
But let me tell you another story.
2011 — Junior year of high school, I have stomach aches induced by the stress of SAT prep and AP courses (age 17)
2012 — During my freshman year at Berkeley, I’m so anxious that I cry in the dorm showers on more than one occasion. My anxiety paralyzes me when I meet new people (but I don’t even know it’s anxiety), so I stick to what I know and shelter myself.
2013 — The first year out of the dorms I spend 90% of my free time alone, unable to feel like I could connect to others.
2014 — My best friend, my grandmother, passes away suddenly during the same summer I have a full time internship and am studying for the LSAT. Panic attacks and hyperventilating begin for the first time in my life.
2015 — I begin feeling nauseous and gagging uncontrollably — during conversation, while I eat, in the car, etc. This gagging takes control of my life and I receive all GI-related procedures possible (including going under anaesthesia for an endoscopy) to understand what the problem was. No solution found — assumed it was stomach acid and begin taking strongest anti-acid stomach medication on the market. (age 21)
Fall 2015 — During my first semester at NYU Law, I go two full months before making my first real friend because I am so ashamed, embarrassed, and anxious about the state of my body.
2016 — I choke on my water because of my gagging sensation in the middle of one of my on-campus interviews.
2016–2019 — I learn to manage the gagging/nausea but still take the anti-acid medication.
2019 — As stress picks up and the gagging/nausea gets worse, I finally accept the premise that stress and my own mind may be inducing my stomach issues. As soon as I accept this premise, the stomach issues disappear.
2020 — During COVID my anxiety accelerates and spirals — I begin trying to control everything in my life, from my job, to the placement of things in my apartment, to my relationship, and finally, to my own state of mind.
Fall 2020 — I become mildly depressed.
December 2020 — I feel I’ve lost total control on how to manage my life and way of thinking. I seek help and am diagnosed with severe anxiety and mild depression.
January 2021 — onwards — I continually improve my cognitive, behavioral, emotional, and mental state of mind. I learn the tools to manage anxiety and implement them regularly.
February 2021 — Fleeting suicidal ideation enters my mind.
June 2021 — I feel self love for the first time.
July 2021 — I leave my biglaw position to focus on my mental health journey.
There are many lessons from my story, but let me highlight just a few:
- NEVER judge a book by its cover.
- Mental health is real, even if you may not understand it. If you are suffering, if you are struggling, or if you don’t even know how you feel about it — I encourage you to learn about the way you think and master the skills of regulating, processing, and being in touch with your emotions.
- Progress is not a straight line — I had fleeting thoughts of suicidal ideation after I started treatment. Do not doubt the path you are on if the big picture shows progress — trust the process, and be patient.
- You are NEVER alone. If you need someone to talk to, or just to listen, seek advice, etc., my inbox is ALWAYS open. Shoot me a connect on LinkedIn — you are NOT alone in this battle!
Please, please, please take care of yourselves out there — your struggle and pain is real. It’s not imagined. Seek out resources to help and trust the process.
This piece was modified based on my post on LinkedIn.
